Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
