the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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