Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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