My sheets look like a crime scene.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
