Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
