i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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