Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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