the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
