I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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