He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
