It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
