I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Of course I have a pirate flag
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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