I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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