I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You dont lie about slip and slides
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
