Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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