I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
