Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
