i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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