after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
