Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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