Someone shit on the floor
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
