everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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