Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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