Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
