he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
