i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
