remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
