I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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