I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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