Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if you like me you must not know who I am
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm at about main and main street
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
