The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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