no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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