the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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