I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
