Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
