Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My brain says no but my pants say off.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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