Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
