I'm lost and stupid without you.
She said her name was "party"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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