you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
