The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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