Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
