I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
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threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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