i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
