Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
