Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
