If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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