Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
