How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
