Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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