So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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