can u get pink eye on your cock?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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