I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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