i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
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Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
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Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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