if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
