why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
