Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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